In the last few months, things started to come up in my relationship that made me question things. What was going wrong?
I felt pretty committed and felt I cared a lot about the relationship. But I didn’t know what to do. Despite trying hard, nothing could resuscitate things. I called in the surgeon and asked for help but what happens if the patient decides to go against medical advice given? What if the patient didn’t have the resolve to go through the intrusive surgery? Is it elective? I believe that no matter what kind of break up happens in a relationship, there is never enough anesthetic to ease the pain.
I am quite a loyal person and realised with time that the end of the relationship did not mean failure. I could actually choose to gain insight and light the path with love and openness to appreciate what had been and what needed to be learnt. So I decided to join a relationship class, with humility in one hand and a notebook in another, I sought answers to many questions I didn’t even realise I had.
Like the foundation of a building, a relationship had pillars that formed the basis to keep it structurally sound. The first pillar consisted of attentive presence. This meant being fully present when around your significant other. This is a reoccurring message of the importance of focused attention and I know the value of this especially when around others and how it can make a difference to feeling connected with someone in any area of life. Ok at times this can be difficult, but with more mindfulness I know this is something that can be achieved.
The next pillar was appreciation. Like watering a plant, each drop is representative of a thought or an expression of appreciation for the other person, which can only multiply and expand. Such things that can be appreciated varies from person to person i.e. a beautifully cooked meal, a thoughtful card, fixing your bicycle, taking the garbage out etc. There is even a math equation to working this formula of appreciation out. The 5:1 rule consists of 5 complements of appreciation to 1 complaint. Why? Never can you feel underappreciated with this winning equation. Feelings of love, trust and companionship can only foster.
The next sturdy support beam is acceptance. Rather than trying to accept the other person, a more poignant question needs to be asked. If I am getting annoyed with the other person and cannot fully accept them, do I actually fully accept myself with nuturance and love? Am I wearing hand me down negative repetitive thoughts that no longer fit or look good? How can I encourage nuturance and build my own self worth? Bring the light on with what is happening within and find the soulmate of acceptance, that is pure listening. How? Well allowing someone to fully speak their truth, hearing facts and feelings and asking if the person would like to add anything more to help fully understand what they are sharing. This will enable a more fluid conversation (not monologue or assumptions to take place – when not wanted) to take its place.
Moving over…. the next pillar is affection, such a nice word. Affection is a way of giving and receiving love. This includes gestures that are uplifting and inspiring to keep the juice going. Again the more you attend to being affectionate, the more this will grow. Love can be expanded and cultivated, such a sweet beautiful thing that can be accessed anytime and to anyone.
The final pillar is allowing, where a sense of freedom is felt at all times. Can I express myself the way I would like to without fear of judgement, reprisal or negative emotion? Do I have a sense of autonomy? Are my feelings and wishes consulted with when making a decision? Note a person who wants to control another, comes from a fear of being who they truly are. Fights, name calling and walking out from a conversation are all red flags. When we can truly see each other as fully loving and creative beings, then can we freely move as ourselves in freedom, joy, love, peace and sharing. Then are we fully known, deeply loved and profoundly valued.
Grateful for the lesson… grateful to share.